We were out when the bleeding started, so Tyson drove home as fast as he could and I ran inside. A million emotions took me over. It is amazing how fast I became attached to the idea of another baby. How quickly I love the little people inside me. My rational side said everything would be fine, we could get pregnant again, give me more time to adjust to having five kids. I could get in better shape and be more prepared to be pregnant again. But my heart just didn't want to give up and didn't want to loose a baby.
Tyson quietly came into the room I was in and just held me as I sobbed like a little baby for a few minutes. Part of me was like "girl, give it up, it is your sixth pregnancy!! Why do you even care?" but my more weepy motherly side took over and wanted her say. A scripture came to my mind that I have heard more than I have read, "the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." (Job 1:21)
That is why I announce my pregnancies so early, because I know even if I do miscarry, that it is a life and Tyson and I want to celebrate it, no matter how long it lasts. And I knew the Lord would take care of everything. That doesn't mean I was a great person for the next few days, and I wasn't totally happy with all the different emotions and side effects I felt, but I tried my best to trust in the Lord.
So Tuesday we went in for an ultrasound and turns out, the baby is fine! It is a cute little blob, maybe 5 millimeters big, still with a little tail. But, it has a heartbeat. Isn't that incredible? It has only been developing for a few weeks (I am roughly 7 weeks along) and it's heart is already formed and beating?! What a miracle. I do however have a subchorionic hemorrhage. That means that a part of the placenta has pulled away from the uterus. This has never happened in any of my pregnancies before (that we know of), so I was a little worried, but SO relieved that the baby is alive and that I don't have to abort the baby to keep me alive (I was most worried about that, an ectopic pregnancy), so a little hemorrhage seems like nothing in comparison. The midwife told us that almost always, the body just heals the hemorrhage and it is no big deal at all. I am however at a greater risk of miscarrying now, because the placenta may be pulling away because it knows the baby isn't developing right or something else is wrong. It is incredible what our bodies do without us even knowing it. That in and of itself tells me there is a God.
Since then, I still feel tired, nauseous and pregnant, but I am so thankful. Thankful because for however long, I get to stay pregnant, that I got to see the little heart beating. Thankful Tyson got to be there with me. Thankful for all the adorable prayers my little boys say:
Caleb: "Please bless this baby that it will stick."
Josh: "Bless Mama and the baby in her to get better."
Matthew: "Peas bess the baby in Mama's tummy. Bess Mama to get better."
And even though I feel fine now and I am strong and trying to get caught up on all the household things that I fell behind on (okay, that I just haven't done in months). Not to mention I haven't gone shopping in forever and hate the thought of cooking, so everyone has been living off of pb&j sandwiches and popcorn or going out to eat which is super fun, but our budget is not so happy with us.
We have been surrounded by kind people. Our families have been angels and offered so much love. Our friends have brought us meals and presents to remind me to be happy. Seriously, it is crazy all the love people keep giving us. I feel guilty accepting it because I am really okay. I am capable of cooking. I am happy and I know I am going to be okay and so will our family. I know this is a very small thing to experience and hardly a trial at all. But I don't want to turn people away who are so kind to help us because, 1: I know it helps me and whatever energy I can save and use to be nice to my family, it is totally worth it, 2: I know how good it makes me to help other people and how hard it is to want to help but not know what to do or be told that we aren't needed.
So I hope somehow I can give back to these wonderful people that have been so kind, or that they will be blessed a million fold for their generosity. I am even more assured that the Lord loves us, He knows us, He knows what we need, He knows how to help us. He wants us to be truly happy in the long term, even if that means giving up the things and people that make us happy in the here and now. A great talk that addresses this can be found here.
So even though I am not the best at being happy all the time (my children will attest to the Mama Monster that makes her appearance), I am continually grateful to the Lord for everything He gives us and tries us and teaches us and loves us. He always loves us. It is a wonderful reminder how I do not want to lose this baby, a million times more He doesn't want to lose any of His children.