Sunday, May 30, 2010

Just because they're cute

Sunday, May 23, 2010

"Though he giveth or he taketh, God his children ne'er forsaketh"

Today I went to a memorial service this evening. A wonderful family in our ward had a little baby girl that only lived a few days. She had several complications, so in some ways it was a blessing, but it is never easy to lose a child even if "it is a good thing." I was amazed by the parent's calm appearance and their complete faith in the Lord. I couldn't help but remember the feelings I had with Josh when he had his seizure. I felt at the time that I might lose him, but I cannot fathom actually losing a child. We sang this hymn and I was especially touched by the phrase "Though he giveth or he taketh, God his children ne’er forsaketh."

“299: Children of Our Heavenly Father,” Hymns of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, no. 299

1. Children of our Heav’nly Father
Safely in his bosom gather;
Nestling bird nor star in heaven
Such a refuge e’er was given.

2. Neither life nor death shall ever
From the Lord his children sever;
Unto them his grace he showeth,
And their sorrows all he knoweth.

3. Though he giveth or he taketh,
God his children ne’er forsaketh;
His the loving purpose solely
To preserve them pure and holy.

I am so thankful that sweet family was so kind to let us all come and have a memorial service with them. I'm not sure I would want to see anyone if I was in their shoes. I am so thankful the Lord blesses each of us. I often wonder why He blesses us with the trials He does, and I'm not sure what trials I will have in the future. But I am so thankful the Lord has been so generous with the things He has given me. I feel like the luckiest woman in the world. I hope to always remember that no matter what happens, the Lord has not abandoned me, because He never will. Nothing can seperate us from His love.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Never Been So Scared, or So Thankful

Some of you may know, or be wondering, what happened yesterday with Josh. I love a good story and I love to tell them, especially about my babies, but I'm not sure I will be so good about telling this one, I may skip parts just because I don't want to remember it.

Yesterday morning, Josh was normal, running around causing trouble. He was a little clingy, but I didn't really notice it. He was really tired and went down for his nap early, and didn't sleep long. I thought it was because he was used to being spoiled a little because Tyson's parents are here, I didn't think much of it. He wanted to be held and was acting really tired, and Mom Cooper said she thought he felt a little warm. "Oh that is normal for him when he is sleepy," I thought, so I just held him and he fell asleep in my lap. That was new, he never snuggles or holds still for anything, it was really cute.

But then he just kept getting warmer and he would wake up on and off and just lay there. I kept thinking, I should give him some Tylenol or something, but I didn't, I kept thinking "I'll get up in a minute." A thunder storm rolled in bringing Tyson and his Dad inside and we were all sitting in the front room talking I think. Then Josh started shaking and I remember saying "um, guys," then he really started convulsing and Tyson jumped up and put his fingers in Josh's mouth to keep his tongue away from the back of his throat. I was so scared, I just kept thinking "my baby, my baby, stop, stop, please don't die, please don't die."

Maybe to other people, seizures are more normal and aren't as scary, I have never seen one and never want to see one again, especially from a little child, MY little child. Needless to say, that was the most terrifying moment of my life. When he stopped shaking, I picked him up and put him on my lap and forced myself to calm down and talk to him. I told him he was going to be okay, and he calmed down a little at my voice. Tyson and Dad Cooper gave him a blessing and then they called 911.

I was thinking of writing the whole story, but I don't think that is the important part, what is important is what I learned, and am learning. Josh is really sensitive to fevers and so we have to keep his temperature low or he is at risk of having a seizure again. If he does have a seizure again, you don't stick anything in his mouth, you just roll him onto his side so if there is any drool he won't choke on it, and then just wait it out. However, I really hope I don't have to ever worry about a repeat of this. Tyson and I slept on the floor in Josh's bedroom last night, I think we just wanted to be as close to the little guy as we could. Plus, I was scared his temp would spike again in his sleep, I think I woke up every time he moved, it was ridiculous.

I also learned how much I love the Lord, and how much smaller my faith is than I had always thought. I was so scared, it was so hard for me to trust in the Lord at all, to remember that He is over all things, and whatever happens, He will help me through it and it is for my good. I am so thankful we brought our sweet little Josh back from the hospital, that he was okay and his normal self. I was ashamed a little though, at my lack of faith. I'm glad and so thankful for the blessing this was to me, to shake me awake and get me to really start praying again, to listen to what the Lord wants me to hear.

It was been wonderful though, the Lord is so full of tender mercies. It couldn't have happened more perfectly. Tyson's parents were here, they made me feel not so alone and scared. Our car won't drive very far without overheating, so it was wonderful we had their rental car to follow Josh and I in the ambulance (that was pretty cool, I have to admit). Dad Cooper was there to help Tyson give Josh a blessing which made me feel much better. I don't remember anything that was said, I just remember Tyson telling me right after "Josh is going to be fine, remember the blessing." Most the people at the hospital were very kind, especially the doctor. He explained everything to us and made me feel so much better. He was so good with Josh too. Kenni and Chris brought us dinner, the saints. Dad Cooper waited in the waiting room the whole time. Mom Cooper and Cassie stayed home with Caleb and made it so I wasn't worried about him and I could take care of Josh. Tyson was an angel, so patient with everything and so brave so I didn't get any more scared than I was. Once the medicine kicked in with Josh at the hospital, he wanted to get down and play, but we couldn't let him (it's a hospital, not kid proof). Tyson played magic tricks with Josh, played color games with him for about 2 hours. It was so sweet.

When we got home and everything was good, I called my mom and had a cry out. I finally just let everything I was holding together go and she was the wonderful Mama she is and cried with me. I found out later that about a million and a half people were praying for us, for little Josh, all at the same time. Even people that don't even know us, it was so neat. Thank you all for that.

I went and checked on Josh during his nap today and just watched him, his chubby little arms, his perfect round face, his long lashes, just such a perfect little angel. I know it probably wasn't a close to death experience as I thought it was when his seizure hit, but it hit me how much I love him, how sad I would be without him. The Lord is so good, so perfectly good and merciful and I hope that I can learn to be thankful no matter what challenges I am given. Sorry this is so long, it is really more for me to just type it out, to bear my witness of the Lord's love and infinite mercy for each of us.