Friday, May 23, 2008

Gotta Have Faith

So I just wanted to write something about my mom and being a mom, I know I am a few weeks late, but well, better late than never right? So I used to be baby crazy, the older I got the more I wanted a kid. I thought I knew all about kids, how to raise them, that I would be natural and all that. Well, I was dying to have a baby, especially right after Tyson and I got married. I thought I was soooo ready, I mean I worked with kids 40 hours a week, I could take care of like 4 babies at a time, being a mom really couldn't be that hard. But it really isn't. I cannot believe how much longer it takes just to do laundry and clean my apartment. Before Josh came, I could do that in maybe a few hours, now I have to split those activities into different days during the week so it is actually possible to accomplish them. I cannot believe how tired I am sometimes, how many times I wake up during the night, how much I worry about Josh. I never realized how selfless moms have to be, and how hard that is. How did my mom do it?! Seven kids?! How?! Not only that, how does she let them go? I know, Josh is only six months old, but still, I keep thinking about what my life would be like without him. When he grows up, how will I give him away to some girl? How will I know that girl will take good care of him? Then there is the horror that maybe he won't even be a good kid, that he will sell drugs and have a gang and run away and me never even see him again. But then again I am rather dramatic and I would rather not think about this. How do people raise kids when they don't know and believe in the Lord?

He is in everything, He helps with everything. I know I can trust Him and even my greatest fears don't seem so bad, because He will make everything okay if I trust Him and keep the covenants I have made with Him, and teach my children of Him. This knowledge makes me love and respect my mother all the more. I miss her a lot. But being so far from her has really helped me in a way, I have had to learn how to do these things without always being a weight to her and I have had to grow up. When Josh doesn't sleep at night, I can't call my mom to have her come over and watch Josh the next day so I can sleep. It has really made me be strong and it has helped me lean on Tyson more than I would have otherwise. I feel really bad sometimes because I am so short tempered with Tyson now. Things bug me now that never used to. I am so grouchy without any warning and it makes me sad, I miss that newlywed "I could never be mad at you" feelings. But at the same time, I am thankful that our love has to be built stronger and with more patience. It has to withstand storms (which will probably later on in my life look like mere drizzles in comparison), and it always comes out stronger and deeper. I love my family, I love little Joshua, I love how he calms down when I hold him or even when I am near, I love how he lights up when Tyson walks in the room, I love that Tyson loves Josh so much. I love being a wife and a mother. It is so different than I expected it to be, but I love it.

p.s.- the rose was from Mother's Day from church and Josh looks awesome in all the pics, but in the one with me (I look crazy, I still haven't gotten the photo of myself thing down), but if you look close, you can see one of his two teeth, so cute!)

1 comment:

  1. Oh Cam. I know you are just the best Mom. You are right--you were always ready to be a mom. Remember in High school when that's all you wanted?! So funny. Josh is the cutest baby.