Changing Habits

I love sleep.  All day long I look forward to the feel of the smooth sheet and the comforting blanket on top of me and the pillow under my head.  And the quiet, oh, I long for the quiet.  And the time to recharge.  What a wonderful time of the day.

But once those little kids finally drift into dream world, it is like my energy spikes.  That is when it is time to party!  I don't want to sleep, because as soon as I sleep, it will feel like just seconds and then another day is upon me.  I love my little boys and love being with them, but it is nice to have those few hours of when they are slumbering.

It is a problem though, because I stay up later and later and then the next day I am exhausted and cranky.  Which makes me a not so nice mom, and the kids get more on my nerves.  So then I can't wait for them to go to sleep and then I stay up to enjoy it.  Thus leading to an endless cycle of not very happy home and exhausted mama.

Plus, my hubby has a really hard time getting out of bed in the mornings since his work out buddies have moved and there is no one he has to get out of bed for.  So he feels cranky without that time in the morning too.

It finally hit me yesterday that this has got to change and I need to be the one to change it.  I can't just expect it to get better without me doing anything about it.  So I am changing my habits.  And this is not something easy to do...and since I am not being very coherent, you can tell it is going to take a few days for my body to adjust.

I am waking up early.  That way, my handsome man has a reason to get out of bed.  And I get some alone time and a early start on the day.  And hopefully this makes me feel like going to bed earlier tonight.  I REALLY hope so.  It is funny, the boys aren't awake yet and I have already accomplished a ton of the things that usually take me a few hours to accomplish every morning.  Plus, Tyson and I have already had a little bit of time to talk, which we hardly ever do, so this may work out great.  I am really hoping.  :)

So really, why I am writing, is to say that people can change.  We are creatures of habit and it is for sure difficult to change the way we have always been.  For me changing from a night owl to an early bird will not be without repercussions I am sure.  However, it is still dark out, I can still hear the crickets, so it is kind of like it is nighttime anyways.  Except bonus, I feel like accomplishing things instead of munching.  So wow, win win.

You feel like there is something in your life you want to change?  Go for it.  You can do it.  If I can wake up before dawn, anything is possible.  :)

Thank You for My Eardrums

“I just want to poke my ear drums out with a pencil,” is what I tempted to post on Facebook yesterday.  It had been one of those days, after many days building up on me, of vacuuming and then as soon as I roll up the cord and put it away, I have a toddler sprinkle cracker crumbs as he jumps around on the floor to the unknown drummer in his head.  It was the millionth time of stepping in a gunky chewed up and spit out banana piece and trying not to be too grossed out as it oozes between my toes.  

It was the “Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy”

“What!?”

“Watch this!” as he proceeds to chew his food. 

Why do I have to watch him chew his food?  

And then as soon as I glance away to clean up a spitting up baby, or help with a math question, the “mommy, mommy, mommy,” chanting continues.  

It was the little meltdowns and battles that seem so petty to me.  It was the phone calls and visits from other people wanting me to listen and decide things for them when I just want to tell them the truth about what a jerk they are, but instead just smile and hold it in because how will my outburst help them really? 

It was pulling stuff out of fridge to make dinner amidst chaos and realizing I forgot to buy a main ingredient, so instead I make something that of course certain children think is disgusting and they never in their life could handle putting even a drop of it to their lips.

It was one of those days.

So, just before I posted that thought about eardrum pencil piercing, a thought flitted across my mind: “How sad it would be to not be able to hear.”

I was stunned.

I thought about all the things I would miss out on if I couldn’t hear.  The crickets chirping in the summer evenings, the whoosh of the diesel engine of the school bus pulling up telling me my buddies are home, the click of the door opening when my hunk gets home from work, the sizzle of frying butter, the giggle of kids getting tickled, and yes, even the incessant “Mommy, mommy, mommy.”

I am so lucky I can hear.

And I am so lucky to be picking up food off the floor all day long, because it means we have food.

And I am so lucky to have carpet all over the house, even though it is hard to clean, because having a carpet means I have a house, which means when it rains, I stay dry and when it is really hot outside, I stay cool.

And that really annoying washing machine that gets unbalanced every other load and shakes and thumps across the basement floor, leaking water if I don’t sprint to catch and stop it, well, I am really lucky to have that.  It means I have a way to clean my clothes.  In my house.  Without having to do it by hand.  And that I have clothes.  Lots of clothes.

And that tiny bathroom in our house where I slam my hip into the doorknob at least once a day, well, that means we have indoor plumbing and the privacy of a door that locks.  Also, I get the excuse to squeeze around my hubby when we brush our teeth and act like I don’t mean to invade his space. J

And those little kids that stress me out and make me feel completely crazy and tired and stressed and like taking a pencil to my eardrums.  I am really lucky to have them.  Because how lonely I would be without them.  I can have children.  As many as I want.

And I am doubly lucky because I get to stay home all day with them.

Not only that, they want to talk to me.  They want me to watch them.  That feel important when I look at them.  

They love me.

They love me.

Last night I became conscious of the fact that my greatest trials (and I recognize that they are really so trivial and “petty” to others), they are my greatest blessings. 

You can bet that this is about how my prayers went last night,

“Thank you Father, for carpet, for eardrums that work, for tiny bathrooms, my clothes and the ability to clean them, for messy little fingers and a house that looks like a hurricane just went through it no matter how hard I try, and thank you for the people I love most.  Thank you for giving me the life I always wanted.  And thank you for putting up with me complaining about it all the time.  Thank you for being eternally patient.  Please, help me be more like you.”

Girls Say Ew and Boys Say Cool

About a year ago I started babysitting two little boys, and then occasionally I would babysit their two older sisters if school got out early or something like that.  Although I am female, very little of my life is spent with other women, and like never with little girls.  So it has been a HUGE learning experience for me.

It also has been a huge learning experience for my boys.  However, they learn differently than me.

What I learn:
-girls are actually very dramatic, people weren't kidding about that
-girls are REALLY bossy and overboard motherly
-they are really picky about smells
-don't leave babies near them unless you want them to be carried by people that aren't big enough.  It doesn't matter the age, girls love babies.
-girls will give you an update of everyone in the whole house every few minutes, so it means you have to check less on the kids
-they care when babies cry, they will bring you the baby to get it to stop crying.  Boys are doers, they plug the pacifier back in and then ignore it.

What my boys learn:
-girls don't like smelly things, so make sure you make the house stink
-don't try to be bossy with girls, it won't work
-they are almost positive about this one: girls love to be bugged
Ways to bug girls: poke them, take their toys, make annoying sounds, stare at them, try to read their diaries, and eat weird food

Yes, babysitting has been very interesting as of late.  I love all the kids I watch and I just adore these little girls.  They make me laugh like crazy.  They are just really different in some ways than what I am used to.

One of the ways my boys torture the girls is by eating their food in gross ways.  And since they can only eat what I give them, they blend them to make...interesting concoctions.  It all started one day when Matthew ate a peanut butter cracker with a raisin on top.  One of the girls said, "Ew, that's gross."  Totally benign in my opinion, but hey, she was probably just trying to bug Matthew.

So then Matthew says, "Girls say ew, but boys say cool."

And so it began.  Now they do the grossest things.  Like eating bananas dipped in ketchup.  Yup, they did that.  I can't think of the other combos right now, but they have been pretty interesting.  So I had to take a picture of Andrew dunking his banana in ketchup...and loving it.  Boys really are weird.  But man, I love them.

Dinner: Mother Tested, Children Approved

I LOVE food.  Like we have one heck of an intense relationship.  Everyone who loves me knows that all I really want for gifts or presents or special moments, I need food.  I don't know what it is, but it is an obsession.  We are working on that, so it simmers to a strong like rather than a NEED every second of every day.

One of those steps is eating healthier.  It is amazing how just one healthy meal can change so much of what you feel.  I don't feel as hungry or cranky, I feel lighter and better about myself.  I am still working on that huge sugar craving right after the meal, but I keep telling myself, the craving is like a mosquito bite.  If I ignore it long enough, I won't notice it is there.  Then maybe I can get to the point where I actually enjoy the treats I eat, rather than shoveling them down to my gut and then not even being able to recall the taste.  It is so sad.

So yeah, but eating healthy meals while having 5 fairly picky kids (they actually are pretty good, but it isn't easy pleasing all of them at every meal).  Tyson is very supportive, but he is a lot like me and would much rather be eating pizza or popcorn.

However, last night we had an AWESOME  meal.  Like for real.  It was stuffed full of veggies, but tasted like a dip, so everyone was happy.  Plus, it was a crock pot meal, so I did all the work (which really is just cutting up a few veggies) in the morning during the baby's nap and then voila, it was done at dinner time.  I heart crock pots, like, so much.

Find this deliciousness in recipe form: HERE

Everyone all actually ate a bowl...which is unheard of, especially for a certain 5 year old that claims soup is disgusting in all forms.  So I had to share in case you are wondering what to cook, how to get your kids or yourself to eat carrots, spinach and tomatoes.  This is the recipe for you.  :)

Andrew even had 3 bowls and kept wanting more...until he licked the bowl clean and in the process got soup in his eye.  Here is proof.

Boat Calling

Joshua: "beep beep beep..ring ring...calling Mom"
Me: cradling my hand (aka my phone) to my ear "Hello?"
J: "Hey Mom!  It's me, Josh."
Me: "Oh hey buddy, how are you?"
J: "I'm good."
Me: "Cool, what are you doing?"
J: "Oh, I'm just packing to go on a trip in my boat."
Me: "Wow, where are you going?"

I look across the room and he is lounging in a giant box filled with pillows, staring at the ceiling talking into a plastic phone.

J: "I think I am going to go visit Martin and Chris, you know, see how they are."

For those of you who don't know, those are the guys from the show Wild Kratts, the boys' favorite show.

Me: "Oh cool, cool, how long are you going to be gone?"
J: "Um probably like 4 days or so."
Me: "Well, do you have enough food packed?"
J: "I have a giant barrel of water, so I'm good there, and we will just catch fish and stuff as we go."
Me: "Don't you need to cook fish?"
J: "No, it's fine."
Me: "Okay, well, that's good, sounds like you have it all planned."
J: "Yup, just wanted to let you know."
Me: "Awesome, well be safe, I love you."
J: "Love you too Mom."
Click
Click

This was probably my favorite part of today.  I haven't been the best about actually playing with my kids.  They entertain each other so well, what do I really need to do when it comes to play time?  But I have been realizing that they are kind of just falling to the background of my life.  I take care of them, but I don't really care for them.  And that should never happen.  So I have been really working on changing that around.
1. Pray for them. I have been praying for them, each of them, by name.
2. Pay attention.  I try to listen to them.  This is super difficult because holy cow, they talk a lot.  In this, I am a work in progress.  A real work in progress.
3. Play with them.  Kids love it when adults, especially their parents spend time to get in their world.  It is hilarious and I love it.  It isn't easy, but I love seeing their giggling faces and knowing that just for a minute, I am their friend.  And maybe as I get better, I will be their friend minute by minute until it is all the time.

That way, they will call me when they are on pretend boats, wishing they were on a boat, or actually on a boat.  I want them to call, "just to let me know."

You Should Never Be Alone

I have a bit of a temper.  What mom that is exhausted and works to clean and cook and clean and cook some more doesn't?  It has been quite a challenge learning to temper it, haha.  But for real, it truly has been quite the task for me.  So why my children can possibly forgive me so quickly for my cranky moments, I have no idea.  They truly are the closest things to perfect beings.  Funny that we have to try to become like we were originally to become perfected isn't?  Be like a little child and all that.

Well, I don't think I have been particularly angry lately, but have had my bouts of cranky.  I have been trying to look at my children when they talk, really hear what they say.  I find it especially difficult because that encourages them to say more, which is wonderful, but also even more exhausting.  But I love it, and am learning to love it enough that I don't tell them to stop talking like I did the first few times.  It isn't easy trying to be better.  :)

Well, anyways, I have been noticing lately that Matthew, my 3 year old, has been kind of attached to me his whole life.  I never noticed it because he isn't clingy or demands my attention too much, he is loud, but kind of under the radar.  Middle child stuff I guess.  But I was looking back on life and realizing just how often he was nearby, not hovering, just nearby.  And he would often say things like, "When I grow up, I am going to live with you Mama, because you need me."  Stuff like that.  Really quite adorable.

Today I was folding clothes and he comes running up and hugs my arm and protectively says, "Mama, don't worry, I'm here."
Me: "Um, thanks Matthew."
M: "Yup, you should never be alone."
Me: "I can be alone Matthew, I'm fine." (I'm thinking, it would be nice to be alone every once in awhile, like when I go to the bathroom for instance)
M: "No, Mama, you are special, you should never be alone."

And then under his breath he berates his older brothers for not doing their duty and leaving my side.  So I am not sure where he got the idea that I need their protection...no, I take that back, I do know.  Tyson is very good at teaching them that they are to help me and when he isn't around, they have to be men and be like he would be.  What a gift to have a father that teaches them so well, and for me to have a husband that cares so much that my little boys know that they are to protect their mother.  They are going to make some girls very happy someday.

I wanted to write this down because as little Matthew was gripping my arm today and glancing around like someone might attack me and he had to be ready to save me, I didn't want to forget his little face.  Someday he might forget about how much he loves me now, I hope not, but he will become a teenager and tough and probably with those dimples, quite popular.  It might be easy to forget about mom.  But I want to remember that he never wanted me alone.  Maybe so I can remind him and torture him, but also, so I can look back and smile as I think about these days where I am never alone.

Twilight Velvet

Tonight the sky is deep blue in color, I think I would name it twilight velvet, and the moon is almost rounded and full and shining it's white light as the cicadas lull you in which their constant hum.  The moisture in the air is enough to make your skin feel sticky, but not so much so that you feel like you are breathing water.  It is nights like this that make me feel like writing, like a poet again.

And then I walk back in my home to check on my little ones and they looked like they collapsed mid-charades, which they probably did.  Their limbs either flop over their bodies or are draped over pillows or dangling off the mattress.  Their little faces are so round and soft when they are still.  It is so different from when they are awake and the constant chatter almost numbs my brain.  It is then that I barely see them because they never hold still and I am constantly multi-tasking: cleaning dishes, prepping meals, answering questions, glancing up just in time to "watch this Mama!," remembering to change that poopy diaper before he gets a rash or before we all die from the fumes.  It is nice sometimes for my heart to stop my brain and body just long enough to catch the special moments, the ones I know I won't want to forget.

Like my little Joshua, who is so not little anymore, crouched on the floor of his room, flipping through a book and muttering to himself.  About ten other books are cascaded around him and I wonder what on earth he is thinking or doing.  Then he glances up and gets this adorable grin with his hilarious giant front teeth that are slightly crooked and gapped.  His eyes are smiling too and they are just filled with love and happiness.  I know he knows I love him, but I tell him anyway.

I think of my Creator, the one who made my children, and me, and the cicadas and the beautiful night sky.  How good He is.  Then that reminds me of Caleb's question to me today:

C: "Mom, if dinosaurs existed for a really long time before people did, but Jesus made the Earth and then right after that put Adam and Eve on it, how does that work?"

I told him that I had no idea, I had wondered that too, but that if Heavenly Father really wanted him to know, then Caleb should pray about it and Heavenly Father would tell him.  And Josh was wise enough to add,

J: "But then you need to listen, so you can hear his answer."

I think I taught them, but I know I learn more from them that I have learned from anyone else in my lifetime.  I love my children.  I love the evening sky.  And I love God.