Twilight Velvet

Tonight the sky is deep blue in color, I think I would name it twilight velvet, and the moon is almost rounded and full and shining it's white light as the cicadas lull you in which their constant hum.  The moisture in the air is enough to make your skin feel sticky, but not so much so that you feel like you are breathing water.  It is nights like this that make me feel like writing, like a poet again.

And then I walk back in my home to check on my little ones and they looked like they collapsed mid-charades, which they probably did.  Their limbs either flop over their bodies or are draped over pillows or dangling off the mattress.  Their little faces are so round and soft when they are still.  It is so different from when they are awake and the constant chatter almost numbs my brain.  It is then that I barely see them because they never hold still and I am constantly multi-tasking: cleaning dishes, prepping meals, answering questions, glancing up just in time to "watch this Mama!," remembering to change that poopy diaper before he gets a rash or before we all die from the fumes.  It is nice sometimes for my heart to stop my brain and body just long enough to catch the special moments, the ones I know I won't want to forget.

Like my little Joshua, who is so not little anymore, crouched on the floor of his room, flipping through a book and muttering to himself.  About ten other books are cascaded around him and I wonder what on earth he is thinking or doing.  Then he glances up and gets this adorable grin with his hilarious giant front teeth that are slightly crooked and gapped.  His eyes are smiling too and they are just filled with love and happiness.  I know he knows I love him, but I tell him anyway.

I think of my Creator, the one who made my children, and me, and the cicadas and the beautiful night sky.  How good He is.  Then that reminds me of Caleb's question to me today:

C: "Mom, if dinosaurs existed for a really long time before people did, but Jesus made the Earth and then right after that put Adam and Eve on it, how does that work?"

I told him that I had no idea, I had wondered that too, but that if Heavenly Father really wanted him to know, then Caleb should pray about it and Heavenly Father would tell him.  And Josh was wise enough to add,

J: "But then you need to listen, so you can hear his answer."

I think I taught them, but I know I learn more from them that I have learned from anyone else in my lifetime.  I love my children.  I love the evening sky.  And I love God.

Preschool

About 8 (it used to be more but the numbers are dwindling) other moms and I got together in August and started a preschool for our kids. I am SO thankful Nicole invited me to join them. Josh has learned so much and I love being a part of his education and getting to teach him every once in awhile.

Well, this month, Nicole and I have been teaching together. It has been no piece of cake, but wow, so much fun. I love kids and I have a special place in my heart for the extra crazy ones or the "trouble makers." Well, they all have given me a run for my money on several occasions. But then there are moments where I almost cry because the things they say and know and the way they act is incredible.

All the kids are ages 4 to 5, Josh is the youngest by several months. He is quiet by nature, okay, not at home, but everywhere else it seems. His church leaders feel like they have had a break through when he actually speaks and if he participates, whoa, a miracle has just happened. Well, he is a little more open at preschool, but not much. He usually plays by himself or with a few of the quieter girls, but only once have I seen him actually joining in with the other boys. It makes me wonder if I was like that or if Tyson was.

Wait, I remember chasing a kick ball around the play ground in 3rd grade because it seemed like better company than everyone else and I thought no one wanted me to hang out with them. That just reminded me of Kip (Kristen) when she moved in right before 4th grade. What a heaven sent blessing she was and is. We have been friends ever since. Maybe I should just pray for a friend like that for Josh.

Anyways, so this month while I have been teaching we have been talking a lot about nutrition and keeping our bodies healthy. So on Thursday we went to the dentist office a few blocks away from the preschool. They were really awesome and gave a great tour and free toothbrushes to the kids. But there was a moment where all the kids were standing against a wall and learning how to properly brush their teeth. I looked at all the kids and they were so adorable and good. They all looked so different, some tall, others short, and there was my little Josh right in the middle. He is almost a head shorter than most of the boys and one of the few with brown eyes.

My heart just caught at the sight of him with his large chocolate eyes staring at the dentist, with the corners of his mouth slightly tipped up in a smile. His face is so round and young and so perfect to me. Part of me kept thinking how little he looked, especially with kids that are (comparatively) so much older than him. Then another part of me couldn't believe my own little boy was 4. How quickly he has changed from the baby they held in front of me screaming, covered in all kinds of gross fluids (all I wanted to know was what color his hair was), into a long, skinny crawler that growled all the time. Then without even blinking he was walking, opening doors, covering me in every shoe he could find in the house while I napped, pouring Hershey syrup all over the carpet. He had curly hair and loved to glare at everyone. Then he was the protective big brother of "baby guy" and ate "pawcorn" and loved everything Elmo. Then we moved and he played out in the yard every chance he got. He was afraid of rain until he got rain boots and then I couldn't get him out of the rain. He was daddy's best helper and had (and still has) absolute confidence that Daddy can fix anything. He went to nursery, then sunbeams and learned to live without diapers and cook his own oatmeal (he learned that at home). He vowed to marry any girl that came near him and tries to be good all the time and teach others to say and do good things.

He is only four, how am I going to handle him really growing up?

I am so lucky to have him and Caleb and Matthew. And of course, Tyson. No, lucky isn't right, I am so blessed. Some days I just want to hug them close and capture the moment like a potion and bottle it up so I can open it and relive it whenever I want. How quickly things change.

How quickly a baby walks up the steps to preschool.

Spring

"O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?"
-1 Corinthians 15:55

I feel like that is what the weather today is shouting. It is so perfect, so beautiful: slightly overcast, but warm, with a slight breeze. Every tree is budding, daffodils are out in full force, little birds are tweeting and nests are being built in the crannies of trees. Even though I get slightly frustrated, I am so thankful that I need to walk everywhere. It is such a perfect excuse to enjoy this weather. It is a time of renewing and life. Nothing could be prettier.

I love that I have a little baby at this time too. Matthew is 6 months old now, but just at that age where he is reaching for me and just adores me. It melts my heart. Babies have such a newness and a love and curiosity for everything. I wish I could be more like my little Matthew. So forgiving, so loving of anyone and everyone. I had several people at church today just want to hold him. How would that be, that people just want to drop everything to be around you because you are so loving and kind? I need to be more like that.

So yeah, that is what we are doing today, loving spring.

I'm Wishing...

Wishing I was here with a certain someone right now...

Blessed

Life has been pretty crazy lately. I have been babysitting lots of different kids, getting involved in lots of clubs and activities, working with the girls in my calling, preparing lessons, not to mention taking care of my house, housework and my own kids and squeezing in time to help Tyson know I love him too. I used to think stay-at-home moms had so much time on their hands and were so lazy.

Well, it is true that I stay in my pajamas most days, but I have a lot of reasons for that. I don't have very many pairs of pants and I don't want to ruin them and they get holes in the knees way too fast when you spend most of the day on your hands and knees, cleaning and playing. Plus, pajamas are much more comfortable and it is less laundry to do. I conserve a lot of water by not showering everyday. And I conserve energy by sitting on the couch as much as I can.

Hehe, but no seriously, life has been crazy, and I know as the years continue, they will only get busier. I have been watching one little boy, we will call him "D", who is almost a year old, 3 times a week. It has been fun, a little bit of a challenge, but fun. This month is my month to teach preschool though, so I have been trying to exlpain to D's mom that babysitting D on preschool days is really hard and yet still let her know that I am capable of watching her kid. Anyways, so yesterday was the first day I taught preschool and so I had to get D and Caleb to a friend's house so they would be taken care of during preschool.

However, our car is still in the shop. Without my mom and dad and my visiting teachers, I would never have made it so long without a vehicle. So anyways, I took a long walk yesterday morning with four little kids. Matthew (almost 6 months) was attached to my front in the snuggly, D (9 months) in the stroller, Caleb (2) and Josh (4) walked alongside until Caleb got tired and he sat on the handlebar of the stroller. The walk was about 15 blocks, most of it slightly uphill, so no small stroll. I felt like I looked like one of those foreign families that somehow fit an entire family on a bicycle. It was hilarious.

I was pouting before I left to Tyson and he said that I would look back and laugh. It didn't even take that long, I laughed the whole walk. It was so funny and so good for me. Here I am thinking I life such a difficult life and how tough I am because no one else could do this. Ha.

Well, this morning I wake up to pouring rain and super loud thunder. Wow the Lord loves me and was watching over my whiny self. It was a gorgeous day yesterday and pretty warm for a February morning. None of the kids were sick, they were happy and obedient. And one of the other preschool moms let me borrow her car so I could get to preschool from where I dropped the kids off and back again. Then she squeezed us all in to take us home. Wow.

It is interesting that I think my life is so complicated and I look back and realize how fortunate I am and how few challenges I have. It was rather humbling this morning, seeing just how much the Lord's hand was in my life yesterday. It is true He loves us, each of us, and knows our challenges. He doesn't leave us alone in them. Even with the little things.

So, I am thankful for the thunder and rain this morning.

To Every Thing...

"To every thing there is a season; and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;"

-Ecclisiastes 3:1,6

There is so much change in everyday life, it is weird sometimes. One day it will be 20 degrees and I feel like I am going to die from lack of warmth in my toes and then the next day, it is almost 60 degrees and in comparison feels like summer. Why is that?

Part of me gets frustrated, and then another part of me is really thankful. How would I appreciate that "summer" feeling if it was like that all the time. It would feel chilly to me. But instead, because there are such cold days, it feels great. Right?

Well, there is a lot of life that is like that right now. Sometimes the Lord gives and gives and you don't even realize everything you have. And then the next minute it is gone in the blink of an eye and you realize how much you miss...and how much you could live without. It is just something interesting to think about.

I am so thankful for my life and all that I have been given. I am excited for this new day, that Josh and Caleb slept all night long last night. That no one really puked on me (Matthew spit up doesn't count). I am so thankful for Priesthood blessings, that the power of God is really given to worthy men on Earth today. And I am incredibly thankful that one of those men is my husband so we can have that power in our home. I am thankful for doctors and medicine.

I am thankful for Matthew's adorable first tooth and his little smiles. I'm pretty sure I am thankful for Caleb's super snuggly-ness and Josh's health, which means intense amounts of energy. Haha. I am thankful that Tyson is feeling better and that he is completely my best friend and the longer we are married, the more it seems we are one person. When he is sad, I feel sad, and when he worries, I worry. When I worry, he makes me realize there is no need. When I am sad, he makes me laugh. And the Lord is all around us, He created us and gave us so much.

Tyson prayed this morning and thanked the Lord that we were able to wake up this morning, because it meant we made it through the night so we could live another day. None of us are in any life threatening situation, I was not concerned at all that I might not wake up. I was cranky that I WAS awake. But Tyson said just the right thing. And I am thankful I am awake. That I am capable of breathing and living one more day on this incredible earth in my warm home with my favorite people in the world.

I am thankful for the Lord's purposes and seasons.

The Good Word and Great Men

Can I just tell you, I LOVE Conference! I used to dread it, but it has become one of my favorite things, especially when the prophet, President Monson (or "my friend" as Josh calls him) speaks. He is just so funny and optimistic. I sometimes wish I could hang out with all these men and their wives and families, they are so incredible. But then they would know me and all my flaws, so I guess I would rather not. :) But jeepers, I just love them. And so do my boys. Josh and Caleb keep asking to watch the "postles." What a good life and a great weekend!

Big Mama being a Big Baby

It is a funny thing being pregnant, it kind of consumes me and everything I do. For most of the pregnancy I have tried to avoid really thinking about it, that way kind of hoping it would go by faster. But then he started moving, and moving a ton. It would freak me out because why is my stomach wigging out? Oh yeah, because there is a parasite growing in there. :)



Then I started running into things and tripping over things because I can't see. The worst was running into the side mirror of the van right in front of the post office, I went flying backwards being bounced from my belly like it was rubber or something. This lady was like "Oh wow, are you okay?" I think I said "Oh yeah, happens all the time." Caleb and Josh just stared at me on the sidewalk. I wonder if they have hit the point where they think I am weird sometimes, I hope not. I hope that doesn't come for a long time. I like being the most amazing person in the world to them.



So yeah, and then today, Josh couldn't fit between me and the wall when I was sitting at the table. He asked me to scoot in, sad news, I really couldn't. It is hard explaining to your kid you no longer can hold him, or set him on your lap, or do a whole lot of things because you are just "too big" in the belly area. Poor little boys of mine.



But they are both really excited for their new brother. Josh asks if the baby is kicking and wants to feel it, which is really cute. They both are so anxious for the baby to come. Josh asked me if my belly button is the button to push to get the baby out. I wish it was that easy. Part of me is really scared to have another kid, I mean, how will I function with even less sleep? How will I handle Josh's endless questions that are sure to come about breastfeeding and where the baby came out and all kinds of other lovely things that he is sure to ask that I never dreamed of.



The other part of me can't wait for the little guy to get out of me. It has been a much more taxing pregnancy than with my other two, part of that is age I am sure. I am not as young as I was and this isn't my first. All kinds of things are stretched and weak that weren't before. Plus, I am not in any kind of good shape, my muscles are weak and that doesn't help. I find myself feeling like there are constant knots in my back and that my hip bones are slowly being rubbed down by the bowling ball that is resting on them. My legs "pop" out of place all the time, at least that is what it feels like. I assume that is just all the loose everything to get ready for the birth, but it isn't pleasant whatever it is.



And yet, I am so lucky. Last night I had a major meltdown, it was bound to happen sooner or later, I am just a meltdown kind of girl. I think most girls are. I cried because I hurt, because I always hurt, it hurts to walk/waddle, even getting dressed is painful. I am so sick of having to pee or peeing whether I want to or not every five minutes or every time I cough or sneeze. It is so annoying. And I hate that I get mad so easy. Usually I tend to get sad, weepy or depressed, not mad. It is a new one for me. I have to constantly tell myself to breath, that no, that person didn't mean to offend me, the doors, drawers, stools, walls, children are not purposely get in my way. I am pretty sure the computer isn't any slower or faster than usual, but jeepers it drives me crazy waiting for what seems like forever. It is worse because Kenni is not here. She was here with both of my other babies when I was this far along. Now she is not here to distract me and make it seem fun. But yeah, so I am crying and cranky and hating that I am crying and cranky. Tyson of course is perfect and just holds me.



That is when I figure I just need to be thankful. I am not on bed rest, the baby is super healthy, I can do pretty much everything I need to, somethings are just a little harder, but not too bad. 5 weeks really is not that far away, as eternal as it seems right now, it really isn't. I have my chocolatiering and my writing and my calling with the young women to keep me busy, not to mention all the blissfully endless housework and my adorable two rascals. Plus we have great air conditioning, so even though it is super hot outside, I rarely notice. How is that for a summer pregnancy? I am so lucky.



So for some reason I really wanted to write about all this. Probably because that is most of what I think about lately, getting huge with child really has been the foremost on my mind lately. And what is a blog but an online journal? So here is to the next five weeks being great ones and me being happy and enjoying it!

In Mourning

Bunky and Zuri left yesterday and Chris leaves today. After four years of having my sister here, she is gone. She will love her new life in Oregon where there hopefully are no gnats to drive her crazy. But me and my little bugs will miss them. We already do. Tyson even told me yesterday he even misses Kelso. haha, who would ever have thought that would happen? :)

Mom Moments

Some people ask me "what do you do all day?" I used to ask stay at home mom's the same question. I mean, how do you keep yourself busy all day long? How hard can watching kids be? And even if you know how hard it can be, you still wonder how to keep from getting bored. I rarely feel bored now. But sometimes I reflect as I clean up the toys for the hundredth time or as I wash out Josh's underwear because he still doesn't grasp complete toilet training, or just when I sit down to relax and someone starts crying or wants something, I think "What am I doing? I feel like I am running in circles going nowhere and I am dragging my family around with me. Are my kids even progressing?"

Then there are moments where I see a glimmer of my purpose here on earth. Josh says something profound or sounds out a word he sees. Caleb shares or gives me a kiss and snuggle. And those smiles, those precious moments make up for all the difficult ones. I wanted to post these pictures because they are some of these moments to me. How can you not be happy with your life when you see these smiles?

Yes, we couldn't find him anywhere and then we found him in the closet, sleeping, sitting up. :)

They posed like this by themselves. I love Zuri's face.

So maybe the life of a mom is somewhat monotonous, but it sure is crazy and the most rewarding responsibility I ever had.

Happy Day

Happy Valentine's (Yester)day! I hope it was wonderful for everyone. I love holidays, they are always full of surprises and I think that is why I love them so much. Tyson somehow stole the car yesterday afternoon, went to the store, got stuff for bologna sandwiches, went to his office and made them (and cut them into heart shapes) and cut brownies into hearts too. Then he picked me and the kids up and we went to this baseball field where five years ago yesterday we had our first kiss. (Tyson made bologna sanwiches for us then too, that is why he made them this time). It was the cutest thing ever. He always says he isn't creative, but he totally is. I am so thankful that five years ago I was probably sitting in Spanish class, not paying attention, and dreaming about the kiss I had the night before. How little I knew that five years from then I would be married to that guy, in our cute little brick house, watching our two little boys play with blocks and feeling sick with the next one (hopefully a girl, but boys are great too) in my belly. What a happy day. :)

Things I Love

-subway sandwiches with crunchy banana peppers
-cozy warm blankets
-baby snuggles
-when Josh says "Mama, me miss you SO much"
-Tyson's green eyes
-country songs
-sunshine in the morning
-the soft thumping of a baby's heartbeat in an ultrasound
-the wailing of a train in the distance
-warm soup
-the smooth rhythm of folding laundry
-the way Tyson says "I love you"
-surprise donut trips
-pretty much any kind of donut, anytime :)
-Caleb's shrug smiles
-the sound of little kids snoring
-mail, especially handwritten letters
-family around me, especially since my family is so generous with their time
-chocolate of any kind
-holidays
-calls with my Mama
-hearing my phone buzz and seeing "Tyson love" on the screen
-daffodils and tulip leaves popping out of the dirt
-chilly autumn days
-naps
-the sound of typing
-the feel of a pen in my hand
-the clarity that comes when I read the scriptures
-Tyson walking towards the door
-hugs
-dinner with friends
-Ben and Jerry's ice cream
-dates
-the sound of laughter, especially from children or from people I love
-the feel of laughing so much my cheeks hurt
-meeting new people
-my family
-my God
-my life

Cold Crazy Cami

I'm not sure if it is the freezing weather outside or the fact that almost everyone I normally see is gone for the holidays, but life has gotten a little bit boring here, at least we are bored which results in crankiness and craziness.

Sometimes I don't realize how little I converse with other people. It is probably because I write so much, or because I have little dialogue's going on in my head that I don't realize how in need I am of actually interacting with other people. There is only so much talking with a 3 year old and a 1 year old one woman can handle. But I feel like I could be a lot more patient if I just tried. So I have lost my temper way too many times over the past few weeks of the cold stretch. I miss the sunshine. I love this weather, but I just miss the sun.

Josh has been very patient with me though. He gets cranky and whiny, but all considering, he is pretty good. He and Caleb are both very creative. The cupboards in our kitchen are caves, storage facilities for everything that shouldn't be there (like my no longer missing sock and cell phone), perfect for peek-a-boo and all sorts of other games that I don't even understand. Josh has taken to grabbing three Ziploc bags or three trash bags (always three, I don't know why) and putting toys or shoes or other items in them and carrying them around. I would love to dive into that brain of his and see what his imagination is leading him to do, but it is fascinating to watch.

Caleb was actually the one that started the climbing in the cupboards craze. I found his two little feet dangling off the bottom shelf the other day, and that is all I could see. It was hilarious, and ever since then, they are the coolest thing. I hate that I can't ever find my pots and pans now and you want a can of food? Well, good luck finding the right one, some of them have been delabeled, so that should be fun. Mystery meal in a can. :)

I often feel bad when I look back on my day and I see so many times when I should have just stayed calm. The boys are just as bored as I am. And they are so cute. I love watching them grow up, there is nothing like it in the world. There are moments when I wish I could go somewhere, anywhere, away from these boys and work, actually feel productive. But then, if I had missed Josh's "cave spelunking" or Caleb's puppy dog impressions, I would have missed too much.

I am so excited for Christmas! I can't wait to see their little faces as they open all their presents (and man, they have quite a few piling up in the back room. It looks like Santa's workshop back there). I think I am way more excited than they are. :)

Merry Christmas from the crazy Cami!

Psalms

This morning I finally finished reading the book of Psalms in the Bible. I have never been very good at reading scripture at a quick pace, it takes me months to read each book. I have really enjoyed Psalms, I find each chapter fascinating. I find little verses that seem to apply to me, like having a quiver full of children, or how the Lord blesses grass to grow, which He has, our lawn is growing beautifully. The Lord is incredible. I love that every chapter acknowledges how great God is and how infinite His mercy is. The last verse in the last chapter is my very favorite, "Let every thing that hath breath praise the Lord. Praise ye the Lord."

It is far too often that I complain about life and how tired I am or how much I have to do. There is so little I recognize the Lord for, when really He is blessing me immeasurably each second. So I am writing this to praise the Lord. I know He has given me everything I have, and I am so thankful for Him. It is hard to write what exactly I am feeling, but I just had to say this to as many people as I could and this was the best way I could think of. I love the Lord, I know He is real and He loves each of us more than we can even believe. So, look around you, and praise the Lord.

10-10-2010, a day to celebrate

I LOVE birthdays. I have a really hard time getting excited about them when I am not around the person for some reason, but when they live near, I feel like it is my birthday. I'm not sure why.

But as of 42 minutes ago, it is Caleb's birthday. I can't believe it was an entire year ago that I was laying in a hospital bed, so thankful for epidurals and watching my mom almost freeze as she slept sitting up and Tyson laying on such an uncomfortable couchish thing. I kept thinking about Josh and wondering if he missed me, worried that he would feel lonely or hurt that I wasn't there and wondering who the little creature was when I brought the other kid home. I was so worried about having another c-section, just thinking thinking thinking, and not sleeping like I should have.

But that little guy came, and we were both fine, and of course Josh didn't even notice I was gone he was having so much fun with his Grandma and Aunts and of course, Kelso. And now my little boys are just getting bigger which means I am older which I don't feel that way. Maybe someday it will catch up, but I hope not. Caleb is not a baby anymore. He is a toddler, with lots of little teeth, and a happy grin, and he plays peek-a-boo and eats all kinds of foods, and loves to dance, mimic words and watch Josh do whatever he is doing at that given moment.

I love that song "Don't Blink," I think it is called. It is true, you blink and you might miss something huge like a first step or rolling over, or falling off the couch or the bed or drawing on the couch or on the bed. :) I love my kids.

I am so excited that in a few hours I will wake up and "wake up" Caleb, although I know he will already be awake, poopy and crying because Josh is throwing toys on him or screaming in his ear or something horrible. I am still so excited. I can't wait to celebrate the little guy all day. I am so grateful he made it here, that he came to my little family, that he shares his little grin with me everyday. I am so thankful for birthdays. It is a day that says, "I pick this day to celebrate all the days of this year that I got to spend with you and gotten to know you and I just want you to know, I'm glad you are here for this birthday."

Do you ever think, "wow, those two kids are mine? I gave birth to two of them!? I'm not a little kid myself anymore? When did that happen? I'm married!? I pay taxes and bills? I drive a van? What? Wow, I'm an adult?"

I'm thinking that right now.

"Though he giveth or he taketh, God his children ne'er forsaketh"

Today I went to a memorial service this evening. A wonderful family in our ward had a little baby girl that only lived a few days. She had several complications, so in some ways it was a blessing, but it is never easy to lose a child even if "it is a good thing." I was amazed by the parent's calm appearance and their complete faith in the Lord. I couldn't help but remember the feelings I had with Josh when he had his seizure. I felt at the time that I might lose him, but I cannot fathom actually losing a child. We sang this hymn and I was especially touched by the phrase "Though he giveth or he taketh, God his children ne’er forsaketh."

“299: Children of Our Heavenly Father,” Hymns of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, no. 299

1. Children of our Heav’nly Father
Safely in his bosom gather;
Nestling bird nor star in heaven
Such a refuge e’er was given.

2. Neither life nor death shall ever
From the Lord his children sever;
Unto them his grace he showeth,
And their sorrows all he knoweth.

3. Though he giveth or he taketh,
God his children ne’er forsaketh;
His the loving purpose solely
To preserve them pure and holy.


I am so thankful that sweet family was so kind to let us all come and have a memorial service with them. I'm not sure I would want to see anyone if I was in their shoes. I am so thankful the Lord blesses each of us. I often wonder why He blesses us with the trials He does, and I'm not sure what trials I will have in the future. But I am so thankful the Lord has been so generous with the things He has given me. I feel like the luckiest woman in the world. I hope to always remember that no matter what happens, the Lord has not abandoned me, because He never will. Nothing can seperate us from His love.

Stream of Concious Basically

Life has been busy lately, so busy I really shouldn't be writing this, I should be doing something I can only do while the kids are sleeping, but oh well. I have been blog surfing, looking at all sorts of people's blogs, and most of them are about fashion, or decorating for some reason. I think it is interesting how different each of us are. When we were trying to decide what colors to paint in our new home, I got TONS of advice, all of which was different. It was nice, but I can't handle a ton of choices and I had a meltdown (that isn't something new). The wonderful Tyson said that I needed to stop worrying about it, I should do what I wanted, what I thought was pretty and stop worrying about everyone else. So I did, and I am so happy with what I picked. It isn't crazy and modern, or old fashioned, or anything, it is just simple Cami, and I am happy with it, really happy with it. I love that I get to make my home look however I want. Sometimes I see other people's houses, especially the newer married couples, where everything has a cute cubby and all the furniture matches and you can tell they somehow had money to buy it all and I get jealous. But then I think, I wouldn't want my own house like that anyway so why do I care? I like that my house is simple, I'm really excited for everything to get taken out of boxes and put away. :) I have been feeling kind of...not depressed, but melancholy, not quite myself lately. And this morning I woke up happy, and it is such a different feeling. It is so refreshing to be happy, to love life the way it is. I don't really know what I am saying, I just needed to write a bit, just to say that I am feeling happy and it feels good. I know it is the Lord that is helping me to feel this way, and His way is such a better way. I am so thankful we are all different and He loves me no matter what Cami I am being.

Moving on...

So I am trying really hard to get used to the thought of living somewhere different. At least twice a day we go to "the new house." And I love walking across the little steps from the carport to the front door. I love that there is a glass/screen door, I love that I have a key and I can walk in whenever I want. I love that I get to make that home mine. It is weird though. I have walked up 23 steps (I think that is how many there are) to our apartment pretty much everyday (somedays I don't leave) for almost 3 years. I brought my little boys home from the hospital here, I learned how to be a stay at home mom here. Tyson and I have had spitting competitions off the balcony and watched fireworks, jets, sunsets, and thunderstorms hundreds of times. I will miss looking out the window and seeing Leo and Ethnie making faces at Josh. I will miss running over to Becca's for no reason except that I need to get out of the house. It will be weird not hearing Gentry's video games and Christy singing or giggling. I will really miss our warm summer evening talks with anyone and everyone that is roaming around outside. It will be weird to have someone else live here. There are a lot of things I am really excited about, but it feels weird to abandon the home we have made and make a new one somewhere else. It is like those empty nests you find in a tree, or fallen on the ground. Some bird worked so hard making it, sometimes with little scraps of the randomest things, and then when they don't need it, they just...move on.

November is for Gratitude

Tyson and I don't have many traditions yet, but in November we have a thankful list. Each day we write 10 things we are thankful for before we go to bed. We can't repeat anything throughout the whole month, so you would think you have to get creative. But it is amazing, it is so easy to think of a million and a half things I am thankful for.

What is really nice is that it instantly takes away all my gloominess. Being a mom of two is wonderful, the best job in the world, although exhausting and patience-trying. However, the hardest part for me is the lonliness. It is getting easier the older Josh is because he can kind of understand what I am saying (probably a lot more than he lets on), but it is so easy for me to feel alone. It is probably because I am so quick to be negative and to pity myself. So Tyson just left to go back to work and I was sad, then my sunny spot on my bed that is usually there at this time of day, was not, because it is too cloudy. The boys are both asleep, for which I am glad, but the lonliness just sunk in much too deep. So, for some reason, I picked up my journal and decided to write my 10 thankful things. Suddenly, I was smiling and thinking of the good things that have happened today. Let me share with you...

1. Caleb's little hand grip on my finger

2. Alone time

3. Blogging

4. Cold days like this that make me want to cook to keep warm

5. A washer and dryer right in my home

6. Photographs

7. Moments that make up my life (inspired by a quote on Kirsten's blog)

8. Garbage people, I just take my garbage to the big dumpster outside and on Monday morning they come take the stinkiness away

9. Oldies songs that I know by heart

10. Dancing to those songs as I sing the few phrases I know. Josh, Caleb, and I danced to "You are the Woman that I always Dreamed Of," it was so cute! Josh spun in circles and it made him happy when before he was so grouchy.

So, I am thankful for gratitude. Gratitude erases the gluminess. :)