Being a mother is the most rewarding occupation in the world. I think it is also the most stressful.
Today I had the opportunity to be watching 5 boys. Well, Josh was at preschool for part of it, so technically Josh and one of the other boys kind of switched places. It is really awesome that I can help other people, and it is really neat that other people trust me with their kids, even if they don't even know me. But being a mom and a babysitter is not an easy job and today I found myself kind of wishing I wasn't. Not that I don't want to be a mom, I LOVE each one of my kids. And Logan, the little guy I watch every day, is like the greatest kid you could ever babysit. So I am really lucky.
But I was outside, freezing, because that was the ONLY thing that made certain children not scream and cry. They were digging in the dirt and chasing each other with sticks and you know...boy things. I see a few of my friends walking by all cutesie in their work out clothes. One mom had two kids, the other had one. And I kind of had one of those "I feel like an animal in a zoo" moments. I was looking over my fence longingly like through the bars of a prison cell. "How I wish I had the freedom to go walking" I thought. I am so blessed and have a double jogging stroller, but if I ever want to use it, two kids are in and two kids are out. No big deal, but there is always fighting because the older kids want in and the younger out and then there is crying and fits and no one is actually going anywhere, so what really is the point in trying?
And all the kids I "own" and watch are 5 and under. Although Tyson doesn't agree, I cannot leave them home alone. :) So that does leave me feeling a little trapped at times. Not that I want my life to be any different. I wouldn't trade what I have, I know I am SUPER blessed because I love what I have. But I think I am in that point in my life where motherhood is kind of overwhelming. Did I space my kids too close? Because next year, Josh will be in kindergarten, but wait, I will have just had a newborn. So really, I have the same amount with me.
I mentioned that to Tys and said like 5 more years and I will be more free and he laughed and said "Yeah, 5 more years and you will still have 2 at home, if not more." Hm. That's a long time. And a lot of kids. Do I really want more than 4? I can't really go back and have less than 4 and I wouldn't want to. But anywhoo, I am just ranting and thinking.
Please don't think I don't love my life. It is just some days my life is a little too close for comfort. But who needs comfort? Comfort just makes you lazy and fat right? :) It is for wimps and I for one may want to be a wimp, but it isn't in my job description. So on to motherhood, the best job in the world.
I have those days too. Although, mine aren't usually about the boys, but more about the special needs. You mentioned how next year you'll have a newborn again. I did not know you were expecting, Congrats if you are! One you've had three, one more really doesn't feel any different. In fact the only hard transition I've noticed after that is the transition from 5-6 for some strange reason.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. I too long for walks and exercise in general. Perhaps someday. At the same time, I can't imagine not being with my kiddos, so I guess it's a good trade. Hang in there!
Next time we'll try not to walk by. ;) But I feel like that all the time, too... I don't think it matters which stage of life you're in (meaning everyone and not just you)there is always something different that you want. It's kind of like having curly hair and wanting straight, and vice versa. Hang in there. If you ever need a walk or want to go on one without the kids, call me. :)
ReplyDeleteI think comparing this lifestyle to wanting curly or straight hair is a little ridiculous, sorry Becca. Having 5 + kids to watch more then not takes a special person indeed. It's not a longing to have different looking hair it's a longing to be independent again. Which women tend to feel selfish about, but I personally think it is normal to have a moment to be selfish and then hop back into the life you know and love and also signed up for because yes, raising children is an insane idea, but there is no greater calling.
ReplyDeleteI don't have nearly as much exhaustion going on as you do spam, I'm proud of how much you help people and children. You are a great person.